Lots has already been said and written about the toxic argle-bargle that came spewing out of Harrison Butker’s maw during his graduation speech this past weekend. I have something to add, but not about the parts about women and gender roles that’ve gotten the most attention. In regards to that: Ladies, know I’m on your side, and I’ve been cheering on all the memes and takedowns he has been more than deserving of.

There is different portion of the speech that I want to personally address out of my self-interest. To whit: “To the gentlemen here today: Part of what plagues our society is this lie that has been told to you that men are not necessary in the home or in our communities… Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation of men.”

I would love nothing more than to quote directly to him a line from one of my more recent favorite songs (the song was already more than a few years old when I fell in love with it): “You’ve got the wrong bitch, bitch.” Alas, I know that very early stage CTE is not the reason for either Butker’s prehistoric brutal notions of masculinity & gender roles or his refusal to properly understand why men like me don’t agree with him & are trying to change masculinity for the better. No — far too many other “right-thinking” men who’ve never taken a hit to the head (with or without a helmet) feel the same way.

First of all, no one is saying that men are not necessary. No, we absolutely do have a role — it’s just not the one that Butker believes is the only true one. We are needed as supportive parents and partners. We are needed as mentors and tutors. We are needed to help lift up and assist those who are weaker than us. We are needed to help protect equality for all. By doing all these things, we become outstanding male role models. What is not needed is outdated notions of masculinity and what it means to be a man. Frankly, if you think the ’50s are some kind of good old days that we need to return to, you have not bothered with learning about how the majority of that era’s leaders treated women and minorities. That period was a real shit show for most of them. No, you are not being emasculated. You are being told that the old way of doing things is no longer acceptable.

Furthermore, as a non-normative, cis hetero, male, I experienced first-hand how that mouthbreathing kind of toxic masculinity is actually detrimental to boys and men of all ages. That kind of masculinity leads its adherents to believe it’s okay to bully, denigrate, and belittle boys and men who don’t display it. I know because that was my childhood experience. I learned well before finishing elementary school that the easiest way for me to exist peacefully was to suppress all the natural inclinations that gave justification for the preadolescent versions of people like Butker to make my life miserable. Worse still: I found that aping some of the lesser toxic behaviors provided me with extra camouflage. It took me years of adulthood to break free of that conditioning and learn to proudly be and display my true self.

So, yes: traditional American masculinity needs to go away. Fuck the patriarchy and notions of gender roles that clearly weren’t working for most people during the days that troglodytes like Butker wish to return to. He deserves every bit of vitriol that is coming his direction, and it’s imperative that men like me do more to make our voices heard and to take action to ensure his notion of masculinity goes the way of the dinosaurs.