So, here’s the thing about this particular cis, hetero male: throughout my life I’ve felt like an alien walking amongst my own kind. I am absolutely male, and I am absolutely attracted to woman. But, far too much of what defines traditional masculinity in this country has appalled and disgusted me.

I learned at an early age to repress many natural-to-me behaviors in order to deflect attention from bullying, toxic, alpha male assholes. Furthermore, I learned as a self-defense mechanism to ape certain attitudes so as to better fit in and gain acceptance. These were done even though many of those traits made me horribly uncomfortable. However, my experiences throughout my formative years clearly made this totally necessary.

Then, much of what I learned in my youth continued to inform my behavior as an adult. Dressing my age, having white collar business-environment appropriate hair, and, yes, engaging in certain kinds of toxic masculinity so as to better fit in with certain environments — all these things continued well into my 30s simply because it seemed necessary. (Note: my early 20s included an earnest, heartfelt best effort at trying to be an evangelical, right-wing Christian. This was the easily the peak of trying to be something I really wasn’t – especially in regards to beliefs about gays and lesbians. It failed miserably.)

Thankfully, a couple important events during my 30s pushed me towards reclaiming my true self: Brandon’s birth and the collapse of my first marriage. Both of these things increased my resolve to simply be myself. However, it was slow going, thanks to working for a major defense contractor – a stronghold of traditional toxic masculinity. Working from home full-time did temper this. It made it easier for me to dress and behave in a manner I felt far more comfortable with.

The pandemic’s arrival quickly overcame any remaining hesitance to fully reclaiming who I am. The behaviors, attitudes, and the beliefs adopted in my youth as a form of self-defense were already gone, but the period following the initial lockdowns provided the opportunity fully adopt my own style and project the appearance I wanted. It cannot be overstated just how important it was that my current wife wholeheartedly supported, humored, and encouraged me every step of the way.

Being cis and hetero does not mean embracing traditional American masculinity — which is absolutely toxic. In fact, in many areas of this country openly rejecting it is still one of the bravest things a cis, hetero male can do. I call myself non-normative because I now openly express the emotions that got me bullied and beat up in elementary school. I call myself nonnormative because I absolutely reject all alpha male behaviors and attitudes. I call myself nonnormative because, quite literally, through the use of my decorated denim jackets I wear what I feel on my sleeve.

So, though I’m not a member of the LGBTQIA+ community or any of the other historically repressed and/or persecuted communities in this country, I feel a kind of tangential kinship with them. Admittedly, I can never truly understand what any of their experiences are like. After all, in addition to being cis and hetero, I’m also white, male, and maintain the ability (though absolutely not the desire) to convincingly adopt camouflage and blend in.

But, years of not being able to be my true self makes that thoroughly distasteful – to the degree of making it unthinkable. In fact, a recent realization gave me pause. Some of the style I embraced as uniquely me is more than a fashion choice. It’s a very deliberately the opposite of blending in. I am almost making myself stand out more in an effort to accentuate my refusal to conform to traditional gender norms. The fact that I live in an area of the country where I can do this without fear seems to demand an effort to take advantage of this privilege as much as possible.

While wrapping this up, I am fully aware that I am in some ways inappropriately making pride month a little bit about myself. The thing is that while being non-normative isn’t queer, it is nonetheless outside the mainstream. I enjoy and love seeing all LGTBQIA+ individuals express themselves and adamantly standing up against the institutionalized forces of repression in this country. Those feelings are just as strong when feminists, minorities (in particular, the Black community), and those of non-Christian religious faiths do the same.

We are stronger when we embrace that our differences and are accepting and tolerant of those who are not a part of the tribe(s) we identify with. Events by GOP legislatures in Texas, Florida and in other areas of the country sicken me – so much so that I don’t simply feel like an alien amongst cis hetero males. I feel like an alien amongst humankind as a whole.

I’m thrilled to be a non-normative cis, hetero, misanthropic secular humanist, feminist white male. The world needs more of us supporting all those whom white America has traditionally repressed and persecuted all across the world. But, this month doesn’t belong to me.

It belongs to all those who identify as and fought (in many cases, quite literally) for LGTBQIA+ rights and acceptance. I wholeheartedly support and applaud them for everything that they’ve done and continue to do.